"You know my name, you may know my history but you don't know my story and you'll never know my pain."

Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Peace be upon Muhammad the Messenger

Quite a lengthy title I guess. Well, couldn't find a better one to portray the exact picture of this post.

I know a person. Her name is such and such. She has parents and siblings, staying in the city with her family members, she is from an upper middle class family and currently pursuing her tertiary education in a very demanding field. She performs her prayers five times a day, she observes her fastings, she reads Qur'an almost daily and she observes her attitude/character according to the way of life (as Islam is a way of life). 

Fine, so what's with her?? Why am I jotting down her background details?? Here's my reflection comes. There's something I would like to share, my intention here is not for back-biting purpose or to down-grade any party, but this is a lesson, a different way of seeing one's life.

Coming back to the topic, I see this sister externally as someone who is lucky enough, who has both physical and spiritual needs. However, there is always tears behind the veil.

These are her words:

"I have family, yet I feel like I have been abandoned.

I have friends, yet I still feel the emptiness.

I always try to da'wa, promoting virtue and abating evil among friends and society, yet I fail to preach my own family members.

When people are putting beauty, wealth and status as marriage criteria, I said that I wanted to marry a person who can lead the solah and build a true Islamic family, yet my wish sounds awkward for them.

I told my parents that I wanted very much to take care of them after I start working, yet they're reluctant as they think it is not proper for a daughter to take that responsibility.

My hijab is being teased, my invitation to congregational prayer is being refused, my advice towards the betterment is taken for granted, and in worse case scenario my past bad deeds are being highlighted if I start to speak on changing to a better Muslim.

My needs are understandable, yet no one understand me.

All these were bearable until at one point, I burst, I cried a lot, I cried to Allah, I realize that there is no one for me except Allah, my parents are being helpless for some reasons even though they are happy to see my change, I ask Allah to take care of my parents. 

and, I ask Allah to take away my soul. I can't stand this world's amusements. There is pain in my heart, and it is unbearable. I know my good deeds will not outweigh my bad deeds but I just can't bear these anymore. 

Ya Allah......... What I've just asked???? Did I forget that Allah has promised that HE will not lay on us burden that which we have no strength to bear (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:286)..... Did I forget how Rasulullah faced problems beyond our imaginations throughout his life as a Messenger of Allah.... How could I ask such thing??? Astaghfirullah..... Instead, I supposed to ask Allah to pour out patience and constancy upon me, and take my soul in state of Islam (Surah al-A'raf, 7:126)

I hate when I have to depend on somebody very much that the person taking control over me. And that's what happen, when it does, I will just refuse to accept any help from that person as I know my ultimate dependence is on Allah swt. And indeed HE showed me the path and gave me enough courage, alhamdulillah, seek Him, He will help you."

Masha'Allah... I was speechless.. This story made me realize something, helped me in solving many things.. I used to listen some news on how people without faith who are stressful in their life and has no place to feed their soul, end their life simply by committing suicide, na'uzubillah... 

Alhamdulillah, she is given the nikmat of Islam and Iman, which made her to recover quickly and seek Allah.. The girl who talks and laughs a lot and seems very happy, is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep. When I said this to her, her reply was "You know my name, you may know my history but you don't know my story and you'll never know my pain."