Sssshhhh.... It's my secret @_@

Bismillah ar - Rahman ar - Rahim
In the name of Allah the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Peace be upon Muhammad, the Messenger of Allah.

SECRET!!!! What is so special about this? Is secret really secretive? How many of us can really keep secret safe? At least our own secret?

Most of us can't keep secret, and I'm talking about our own secret here. We revealed it to others in the name of sharing by a typical dialogue of "I'm gonna share with u my secret, please keep it safe and promise me that u won't disclose it."



I'm sure most of us heard of this before in every part and stages of our life.

Let me tell you a truth, believe it or not, SECRET is a BURDEN!!! That is why we share it with others because we can't bear the burden alone.

And when we are sharing our "burden" with others, it means we have "leaked" our secret actually.  U see the connection?

And when we ourself can't keep our secret safe, it is not acceptable to expect others to keep it safe.

I'm not saying that we can disclose or reveal or spread someone's secret simply like that. What I'm trying to say is, if we got to know that our secret is spreading around, don't get mad at those whom we shared our secret with, but ask ourself why we revealed our secret to others at the first place and asking them to be quiet when we ourself can't do it. Imagine how someone feel to keep our secret which might be a burden for him or her. Of course, he or she didn't purposely revealed it, but certain circumstances made him or her to disclose it.



When we can't bear our burden, it is not fair to expect someone else to bear it.

Somebody asked me, "Isn't an "amanah" or trust when someone tells us their secret; so, of course it is wrong for us to break the trust or "amanah", right?"
Yes, exactly, I'm not justifying that breaking trust is correct, it is indeed very wrong. But my question is, when we can't keep our trust to ourself and running away from that responsibility, why burdening others by asking to guard it?

Remember, good or bad, Allah is always there to listen to us. Don't depend on human as we human are very prone to make mistakes.

Yes, it is shameful and depressing when people got to know our "not really nice to hear" secret, but isn't it discouraged for us to disclose our shameful deeds to others? We often forget that actually. And if our "nice to hear" secret is spreading around, aren't we supposed to be happy that people are conveying their best wishes to us? (put aside the jealousy type of person as they are not going to make any significant difference in our life).

So, decide... Keep it ourself; or if shared, expect it to spread!




P/S: this entry is not suitable for those who like to spread other people's secret for gossips purpose, and I never encourage anyone to disclose a secret or break a trust.
I am just sharing my views, so that we can think carefully the neccesity of sharing our secret with others.
Wallahu'alam.
May Allah safe guard us..


"O ye who believe! If a wicked person comes to you with any news, ascertain the truth, lest ye harm people unwittingly, and afterwards become full of repentance for what ye have done." (49:6)

"O ye who believe! Avoid suspicion as much (as possible): for suspicion in some cases is a sin: And spy not on each other behind their backs. Would any of you like to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Nay, ye would abhor it...But fear Allah: For Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful." (49:12)

Love your parents, even if you have become one..

Bismillah ar - Rahman ar - Rahim
In the name of Allah the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Peace upon Muhammad,  the Messenger of Allah

Few months back, I saw an elderly man (by definition aged 65 & above) in a bus on the way to home from the hospital. I saw grief in his eyes, I can feel that there is pain in his heart. Don't ask me how 'cos I myself have no idea why I was put in such a condition. Walking very slowly with antalgic gait, both his feet are swollen most likely renal failure (I guess) and his right upper limb is paralysed. 

He sat next to a lady, and his seat was opposite of mine. Looking at his condition, the concern lady asked him

Lady: Uncle, Where are you going?
Uncle: To Klang
Lady: Are you going back home?
Uncle: "shooked his head side-to-side"
Lady: Where are your children uncle?? You came alone??
Uncle: "silent"......
Lady (to another lady sitting nearby): Pity him, seems like he is alone and nobody there to help him.

Watching the scene, I told to myself, "If this uncle gets down to the same stop as mine, I'm gonna help him to reach his destination". I was staring at him, thinking how hard his life could be. Suddenly, the uncle turned his head and looked at me. (You know, sometimes people can realise when someone looking at them for quite a long time, telepathy la they say)...
I was so stupid that I still  staring at him. Then I saw tears in his eyes, and in few seconds tears rolling down from my eyes!!! Allah... I just can't control myself. 

I quickly turned my head to the other side. My stop came, I have to get down now, I hope that uncle will reach his destination safely and I hope Allah grant him guidance. 

Few days after that, I and a colleague of mine were clerking a patient in the ortho ward, he was admitted for hip prosthetic dislocation. While asking him and his wife about their social history,  they started to story about their son who "abandoned" them after got married. They said that they send him to UK to study law, few months after he graduated, he got married with a girl of his choice and staying farway from the family. They just can't contact him as his number is always out of reach. Then this uncle told me something which really striked me. He said that once I graduate and become a doctor (in'sha'Allah), I will get marry within few months and then I won't be contributing anything to my parents who brought me up and wanted to see me as a doctor very much as I will be very busy in my new life. I was speechless for few moments (deep in my mind I was like asking this uncle, what's ur problem, u don't even know who am I, but it was just an internal monologue), then the auntie who was listening to her husband said that "not all children will be like our son". I smiled. I can say that these folks are definitely depressed with their son. 

I don't know why those two incidents hit me. I have to learn a lesson from them, otherwise,  there'll be no point in these things came across my life.
There is no way my parents gonna read my blog as they are not really into this technology thingy, but if they happen to read this, I would really like to tell them that I love them very much and I want them to be with me forever in this world and in the hereafter. I do sometimes rebel and go against them, but only Allah knows why I behave in such a way. Allah knows there is something in my heart that I couldn't express to my parents, and I really hope that it'll be revealed to them some day. There are some people out there ("they"), "they" say that I don't always go home, I am the one who stayed for the least duration with family compared to others, I took care of them very little when they are in need (those words hurt me very much, as "they" were never in my shoes and "they" have no idea why it was so) but I don't care what "they" think, as long as my parents understand me, in'sha'Allah I will repay my parents with kindness later. Na'uzubillah I don't want to be among those who neglect their parents once settling down in life. Parents never expect money or any shares from us, all they need are tender, love and care...... 

watch this if you are intending to abandon your parents later ;-(

"You know my name, you may know my history but you don't know my story and you'll never know my pain."

Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Peace be upon Muhammad the Messenger

Quite a lengthy title I guess. Well, couldn't find a better one to portray the exact picture of this post.

I know a person. Her name is such and such. She has parents and siblings, staying in the city with her family members, she is from an upper middle class family and currently pursuing her tertiary education in a very demanding field. She performs her prayers five times a day, she observes her fastings, she reads Qur'an almost daily and she observes her attitude/character according to the way of life (as Islam is a way of life). 

Fine, so what's with her?? Why am I jotting down her background details?? Here's my reflection comes. There's something I would like to share, my intention here is not for back-biting purpose or to down-grade any party, but this is a lesson, a different way of seeing one's life.

Coming back to the topic, I see this sister externally as someone who is lucky enough, who has both physical and spiritual needs. However, there is always tears behind the veil.

These are her words:

"I have family, yet I feel like I have been abandoned.

I have friends, yet I still feel the emptiness.

I always try to da'wa, promoting virtue and abating evil among friends and society, yet I fail to preach my own family members.

When people are putting beauty, wealth and status as marriage criteria, I said that I wanted to marry a person who can lead the solah and build a true Islamic family, yet my wish sounds awkward for them.

I told my parents that I wanted very much to take care of them after I start working, yet they're reluctant as they think it is not proper for a daughter to take that responsibility.

My hijab is being teased, my invitation to congregational prayer is being refused, my advice towards the betterment is taken for granted, and in worse case scenario my past bad deeds are being highlighted if I start to speak on changing to a better Muslim.

My needs are understandable, yet no one understand me.

All these were bearable until at one point, I burst, I cried a lot, I cried to Allah, I realize that there is no one for me except Allah, my parents are being helpless for some reasons even though they are happy to see my change, I ask Allah to take care of my parents. 

and, I ask Allah to take away my soul. I can't stand this world's amusements. There is pain in my heart, and it is unbearable. I know my good deeds will not outweigh my bad deeds but I just can't bear these anymore. 

Ya Allah......... What I've just asked???? Did I forget that Allah has promised that HE will not lay on us burden that which we have no strength to bear (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:286)..... Did I forget how Rasulullah faced problems beyond our imaginations throughout his life as a Messenger of Allah.... How could I ask such thing??? Astaghfirullah..... Instead, I supposed to ask Allah to pour out patience and constancy upon me, and take my soul in state of Islam (Surah al-A'raf, 7:126)

I hate when I have to depend on somebody very much that the person taking control over me. And that's what happen, when it does, I will just refuse to accept any help from that person as I know my ultimate dependence is on Allah swt. And indeed HE showed me the path and gave me enough courage, alhamdulillah, seek Him, He will help you."

Masha'Allah... I was speechless.. This story made me realize something, helped me in solving many things.. I used to listen some news on how people without faith who are stressful in their life and has no place to feed their soul, end their life simply by committing suicide, na'uzubillah... 

Alhamdulillah, she is given the nikmat of Islam and Iman, which made her to recover quickly and seek Allah.. The girl who talks and laughs a lot and seems very happy, is also the girl who may cry herself to sleep. When I said this to her, her reply was "You know my name, you may know my history but you don't know my story and you'll never know my pain."

What do friends mean in my life dictionary

bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim
in the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful.

Friends, do they really exist in my life??? People all around the world are appreciating friendship very much, millions of quotes and memories are created for the sake of friendship and some are willing to sacrifice every single thing in their life for friendship. Unfortunately or may be fortunately, i've never experienced such thing in my life.
Am i an introvert person or avoidant type?? I'm not sure, for what i know, i gained only betrayal, disappointment, discomfort and so many undefined feelings through out the friendship I had for the past 18 years. Or may be I've never had a true friendship with anybody, that might be the reason I fail to feel or experience fancy emotions like others who came out with those friendship forever quotations.
Not to forget, there are some who took me as their good friend, alhamdulillah, i maintain to be a good company for them because I know what trust and respect mean but still the feeling or sense of friendship isn't there.
I am a type of person, if once I consider somebody as a friend then I will expect she/he/them to at least appreciate my presence. It might sound too demanding but for me that means a lot. So many friends entered and exit my life, but none I can consider as the best one. Some left lessons for me to learn, some left joy and few left stain of grief. And the worst I had are those friends who made use of me for their own self-interest and I was being a dumb not realising it. Hahaha. But it's kinda funny when you got to know that you were being a clown all the while.

by Saidina Ali r.a.

Nevertheless, my life still continues because it is something normal for me, to be treated me in such a manner, or may be I deserve to be treated as such.
uhmm, why all these are happening? I should find the flaw in myself before i point others' mistakes. yea, may be i was not fulfilling the criteria to be a good friend. Or may be i had behave in a way that displease them. I don't know, i'm just too tired to think of the reasons. Not important cos they're not even bothered about this, so why should I uh?? haha..
But one thing I would be very grateful to Allah is that He sent few people into my life, I can say as my well-wishers. I pray to Allah that these people are rewarded for their good intentions and deeds.



“The longer you've known someone- the more history there is between you- the longer it will take to establish in their mind that you have truly changed. Remember, forgiveness is an altogether different thing from trust or respect. Forgiveness is about the past. Trust and respect are about the future. Forgiveness will be in the hands of others and can be given to you, but trust and respect are in your own hands and must be earned.” 
― Andy Andrews, The Noticer: Sometimes, All a Person Needs Is a Little Perspective

Friends is a very general term for me, just like mates and colleagues. Again I would like to say something here, I might not be a good friend but inshaAllah I can be a good company.
I've hundreds of friends but with very few I share certain life-things and with only one I share and cry all my problems to, none other than Allah.....
"Nay, Allah is your Protector, and He is the best of helpers" [Sura ali Imran, 3:150]

~A Story of a Single Daddy and his Ten Daughters.

Bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim
In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Gracious.

pre-script:
[This is a true story, a story of mine of course. The daddy wasn't a real daddy, just a pseudo-daddy and same goes to the daughters and family terms used in this post. so it would be daddy, daughters and family instead]

   There was once a single daddy who was given a responsibility to take care of ten daughters for 10 weeks duration. At first, he was so distressed and very much upset because his effort to not to be "guy-alone" didn't work, but thank goodness, he took a very short time to adapt with the situation and fortunately all the ten daughters were comfortable with him. They became a happy family but their luck and timing wasn't very good.

   To their dismay, they went through a very bad experiences starting from the second week onward. So many things happened in their family life till to a point that their situation became like what people call as "telur di hujung tanduk". But, they didn't give up, they tried harder. Of course all families have problems, i.e. internal conflict among them, but then they still stood as one and kept motivating each other. The daddy remain calm through out the period of being with his daughters even though there were many voices saying to him "how would you survive with 10 daughters?". Sometimes, when his daughters get 'scattered', he'll bring them together and will always be patient with the ten various behaviours of his daughters. And most importantly he is the saviour of the family in a critical condition, he'll be the one who'll save them from the wrath of the outsiders. (yea, but most of the time, they did face the wrath and end up being in a shocked stage but still they faced it together without pointing or blaming one another)

    

      for decoration purpose only~

 
   On the final week, eleven of them were very happy because their family were the only family who managed to finish up all their 'chores'. And it was the time for them to separate. The final salaam from the daddy was so warm and all of them prayed that they will be successful in their mission.

   Each story will end with "they lived happily ever after" right? But in this story the ending was quite different. Allah loves the daddy very much, another trial was given to him, and this time he was alone.
Being one of the daughter, i couldn't be excited much knowing that daddy is in a grief stage albeit we daughters had happy endings. It was seriously very said when another daughter said to me "bapa kita la!!!"
But again, with God's grace, he could recover from it very quickly and could reach the acceptance stage without any anger and denial. That was what I saw, but his insight, Allah only knows. I'm proud of him and I appreciate all his hard works and efforts in creating a wonderful family surrounding. He did mention that while he is in sadness, he didn't forget those who need to face harder challenges. Yea very true, like a wise man said once "I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." 

O Allah, give them all strength and guidance so that they may face the upcoming days with calm.
I know it is easier said than done, that's why I don't want to say much, each of us has a different way of accepting and coping things. But of course we need to hope that they can recover quickly.  May they see the wisdom behind each trial in a clear and peace state of mind and soul.

After all, I'm not from their own.

Bismillah ar-Raman ar-Rahim
In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Most Gracious.

Why is this kinda feeling runs in my mind? Why am I keep thinking that I'm burdening them? Why do I feel that they can't accept me as what I am? Why loneliness still surrounds me even when there are many 'friends' around me? Apparently, I've no answers for all these questions which keep disturbing me.

Am I a complicated thinker or do I suffer from any form of paranoia?? I feel it, truly. Yea, I speak languages which are foreign for them, my choices of food differ from theirs', my taste doesn't suit them, the way I was brought up is also different, my way of thinking or mentality sometimes seem to be weird for them, my entertainment is totally strange for them, and I can't be or don't want to be like them.
AFTER ALL, I'M NOT FROM THEIR OWN.

But, one thing definitely  connects us, our Creator is One, our deen is our way of life, and our purpose of life is to worship none other than Him. That's the thing that comfort me at this point, no matter how 'alien' I am, but these similarity can make me survive till now. Grateful to Allah, He who understands His creatures and has provided enough sustenance for each of us, alhamdulillah. HE who created us unique in our own form.
O Allah, grant me peace of mind, peace of soul and calmness in facing calamities. aamiin.

yesterday, today and tomorrow

bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim
in the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

three days ago, i met one of my dearest colleague, we were sharing our experiences in the wards. she told me that she met a cancer patient, and she was asking herself this question "will i cry if one day, doctor informs me that i've cancer". she raised that kinda question because she thinks that she might not be crying as she'll always hear the term cancer throughout her career. so, she might be desensitized with it and will develop immunity, thus feelings might diminish. how far it is true??

her question reminded me of my professor, who is also suffering from cancer. i've no idea how my professor feels, but i'm sure deep in his heart, there is this feeling of sorrow, for doctors are human too.
two days back, i watched 180, a tamil movie which portrays about a doctor who has a terminal stage of pancreatic cancer n his chief doctor gave him 6 months of time. the story shows how he would go through his rest of life. an interesting story line which i think can be applicable for my colleague's question.

i would like to share a poem here, which i think suits the story.
                   
                  "Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday
                   And today was such a lovely day,
                   That I wondered why I worried about today yesterday
                   So today I am not going to worry about tomorrow

                   There may not be a tomorrow anyway.                                        

                   So today I am going to live as if there is no tomorrow,
                   And I am going to forget about yesterday.
                   Today is the tomorrow I planned yesterday
                   And nearly all my plans for today did not plan out the way I
                                thought they would yesterday.

                   So today I am forgetting about tomorrow and I will plan for today
                   But not too strenuously
                   Today I will stop to smell a rose
                   I will tell a loved one how much I love her
                   I will stop planning for tomorrow and plan to make today the best
                                 day of my life.

                   Today is the tomorrow I was afraid of yesterday
                   And today was nothing to be afraid of.
                   So today I will banish the fear of unknown
                   I will embrace the unknown as a learning experience full of exciting
                               opportunities.
                   Today, unlike yesterday, I will not fear tomorrow.
                 
                   Today is the tomorrow I dreamed about yesterday
                   And some of the dreams I dreamt yesterday came true today
                   So today I am going to continue dreaming about tomorrow
                   And perhaps more of the dreams I dream today will come true
                              tomorrow.

                 
                   Today is the tomorrow I set goals for yesterday
                   And I reached some of those goals today
                   So today I am going to set slightly higher goals for today and
                                tomorrow
                   And if tomorrow turns out to be like today I will certainly reach all
                                my goals one day!"
         
yeah, of course we as Muslims have lots of other aspects that can be covered. people always say that cancer is a blessing in disguise. so, Allah is giving us time and chances to repent and top up our charity works  as well as our ibadah.
may Allah bless all of us in facing calamities. amen.

life was never easy

bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim

3 weeks passed in paediatric wards, i'm still perplexed. n now i really understand what life is actually. i am starting to laugh at myself, i thought i've been through so many things in my life, but after seeing what those kids going through, i think i better stop complaining about e distresses of my life which are way simple than theirs'.
i just can't understand myself, why my eyes were teary after observing e tiny boy in e procedure room, why i left e room without completing my observation, why can't i take a full history from e caregiver esp a mother, why do i always feel that i'm keep irritating 'em whenever i approach 'em for a hx taking or PE, why i feel that my presence there is not going to help them in anyway but annoying 'em instead............ all these feelings are making my job miserable. despite of being advised by doctors n colleagues, i still can't let off these feelings.
uhmmm, let's see how things go on by time...........................................

Attachment @ HTAR =)

bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim
in the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

for e last 4 weeks, i've spent my days doing attachment at klang GH. so many thgs, i've learnt n so many thgs i've experienced. i'm wondering how to story all those thgs in this one page. may be i can write in this way.

~e hospital itself

walking quickly is a must either for a HOD, specialist, MO,
HO or even a medical student!!! that's what i did, walking
fast n act as if there is an urgency..haha =D

Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah (HTAR), a place where i was born in fact n admitted there once. i start to hate it when mom was admitted there for nearly 40 days. i never wanted too work there but surprisingly, i've changed my mind, i'm very keen to do my housemanship there. then i told myself, "never say never".. what changes my mind??  so many thgs actly, first of all, of cos bcs it is e nearest hosp haha.. then, e conditions n places there, which i'm used to 'em now, so less adaptation or culture shock. well, it's my POB, so have to love it anyways.

~HOD (head of Medical dept)
Dr.Tan, my first impression> he doesn't look as what i imagined, unlike Dr.Yusof (HOD surgical dept, my so-called distant uncle, who likes to smile always). i couldn't see any smile on his face, how should i get his signature then??? but my impression, again went wrong, dangg!!! on my last day of attachment, where i've to get his sign, he welcomed us in a very polite way. he offered us seats n had a short chat with us asking about this whole attachment. n he advised us, e best thng to do is attaching w a HO n learn e procedures n clinical techniques (which i guess should be given on e first day instead, anyway better luck next time haha!!)

~specialists
# on e very first day, Dr. Yong, an endocrinologist, gave a very sweet n simple advice > do not stressed out but enjoy e attachment, spend time during attachment in such way, 1/3 for learning, 1/3 for sightseeing n 1/3 for food (enjoying hosp food, definitely no!! haha). he is cool n cute!!!! that drives me, no too much book-review but reap experiences as much as i can. but sadly, till e end of my attachment, i couldn't tag along with him even once.
# Dr.Kathrine, such a nice lady. e first specialist that i tagged along with. she did told that she doesn't have enough time to do teaching. n during e rounds, she asked us to palpate AV fistula on a patient's arm, n guess wht, i don't know how to feel it n e worse part, i dont know why e pt needed an arteriovenous fistula till i came out with this stupid thought tht e pt might hv a distal artery blockage hahaha..shame on me, so stupid ws i, tht serves me right, for not studying before hand. (actually e AV fistula is an access for pt's HD, since he has ESRF). luckily Dr.Kath didnt question us on it, if not, she might get an heart attack after listening to my answer =D
# Dr. Wong, e best one i will say. he ws so enthusiastic to do teaching. seriously learnt so much frm him, during ward rounds n also during clinic hours. he did interviewed me why i wntd to become a doctor n he ws quite stunned with my reply i guess, it is a cliched answer though. what made me proud is, when he attended a pt, he asked me to open up my OHCM (which i kept in my coat's pocket) on scoring pancreatic severity n after i found that page, i passed to him tht book n he was reading somethg n explaining it to his MO n HO (i ws so proud of my ohcm!!! at least Dr.Wong appreciates u. now i know, u're a good stuff..haha). he is very friendly towards his patients n he will admit if he doesn't know anything, which is a good quality of a doctor -- not showing off.
# Dr. Choor, how should i describe him, doctor cum joker?? haha.. a happy-go-lucky doc, likes to laugh n entertain his HOs, MOs, nurses, patients as well as e students. he is over cool!! i bet his life is tension-free bcs he has laughter as his medicine. tagging along w him for e last day is a big n great experience for me. during e self-intro, he told this "why wanna do elective posting?? u just come n show me ur face enough la, at e end, i'll sign for u. no need to tag w me. what u wanna learn here (Dr. Choor in a laughing mode)". then when i told him that im just a 2nd year student then he said "aiyaaa, now ny 2nd year ah?? go back n tido la..watch harry potter dy ah?? (after a no reply from me) tonite go n watch harry porter ah

(again in laughing mode)". that moment, i can't control laughing too, he was like truly amusing n a very jovial type. n when e sister in-charge of e ward was suggesting e med studs to observe e nursing procedures (eg. BP measurements), Dr. Choor said, "no need la, these UIA students r complete package". whoawww??? doc, hold, i really dont deserve it. but his expectation n assumption r very positive. i never heard of any outsiders saying UIA med studs/grads r good, but he put tht expectation, so have to work for it, inshaAllah!!! along e ward rounds, i cant stop laughing looking at his acts, it ws so hilarious. despite joking around, he still did some teaching n asking opinions.


~MOs
a position where one is not superior yet comfortable. these MOs will follow e specialist during ward rounds n supervise e HOs during their rounds. if somethg went wrong, HOs would be blame n not them. but sometimes bad luck falls upon them too, n that moment will be disastrous for 'em. these MOs are very much afraid if medical students tag along with 'em n they don't dare to say anythg nor teach anythg. n everytime approached, they'll say > e specialist is there, u can follow him/her, he/she knows more n we're still juniors. damn, we're more junior than u, y cant u just help us out in thgs u know.. huuh.. anyway, they're not very much helpful but they're good doctors indeed, very dedicated n caring. wanted e best for e patients. yea, i understand, they're afraid that they might say somethg wrong n we students will bombard 'em w queries then. it's okay, at least i observe e way they did PE.

~HOs
god, what should i say??? they're e worst part of e hierarchy, sorry to say. once during a ward round, a HO nearly cried after being scolded by a specialist. n while another HO was presenting a case, he got scolded too bcs he miscalculate e pints thg. n one thg i noticed, they're more like scribes than doctors bcs they r always writting n writting wht r e MOs saying. but some r very strong n dedicated. they run here n there to trace this n that. they skip lunch sometimes n not to forget, they're obligated to attend e CME courses. no rest at all, but i think life still can go on if u enjoy doin ur work. n they too feel awkward when students approach 'em for tagging. (contraindicates with Dr.Tan's suggestion rite.haha). but i learnt history taking n clerking from them by just observing 'em.

~MAs and nurses
MAs r really cool n very approachable. they taught me e medical procedures, blood drawing, stitching, ecg, echo, injection, setting line or branula, emergency medicines etc. i learnt so much here in e procedure room. they r very friendly n sometimes it is nice to hv a friendly chat w 'em.
the nurses btw, good too. one of 'em told us, smiling is very important, do not show off n treat e patients as if they're our own family members.

~MS (medical students @ colleagues)
there r many other universities students did their attachment at HTAR. people always say that u'll know e true color of ur friends when u enter clinical years. but, for me, i dont hv to wait till this sept. i've seen some here. no need to be mention here, let bygones be bygones. but some r very helpful n not selfish. they're willing to teach n call upon other colleagues if there is anythg to be shared, regardless of which university r u in. glad to know them, hope can be their real colleague, one day.

~patients
patients are always patient. they're sick, so no comment. but one thg disturbs me till now. when i ws walking in e ward one night, a patient called upon me n spoke to me in urdhu (i was astonished firstly, as i ws thinking how he knw tht i cn speak urdhu). he said he is in pain n he need some medication for tht. but, i just told him to wait as e nurses will come later. i can't help him much bcs i'm just a student. i don't know wht is his case actly, n if i go to e nurse, im fret she'll scold me fr bothering her. so, i just left. i pray to Allah that moment, ya Allah please keep e pt away from pain, tht's wht i can do bein a helpless person.
another story, a colleague of mine storied to me a conversation btwn her n a doctor. she said e doc classified pt cme to AnE dept into two : manja-itized n MC-itized. e former is those who present to AnE w just a minor n self-limiting pblm, n e latter is those who seek medical consultation just to get an MC. haha. what a classification, but true sometimes. n of cos not to b forgotten, 3rd one which r those who really need help.
n taking history from 'em is anothr thg, they always deviate me n e history taking will end up into a family drama chat..haha..it's ok, they need a listener, at least i can help 'em in that way.

~the deceased
lastly about e deceased. i've attended a postmortem session. after seeing e autopsy, first time in my life as a med student, i strtd to gv a 2nd thought of bein a doctor, seriously. then, aftr a while of thinking, i strengthen my stand -- becoming a doctor to serve humanity. autopsy is just a small part of medicine practise, so not to be bothered so much.

~~ to cure occasionally, to relieve often, to comfort always, but never do harm~~ a wise man said it once which is very true.
if u cant heal or cure e pt, please comfort 'em n don't ever harm 'em. that's e policy n always believe that Allah is The Best Healer indeed.
my time has come, to be honest, i didn't make use of my attachment period. i did wasted so much time by doing nothing in e library (reading med books actly). n now, i've to prepare myself, physically n mentally to face e upcoming clinical world. inshaAllah...

If PoLiTiC iS a DiSeAsE, wHaT iS tHe ReMeDy??

bismillah-ar-rahman ar-rahim
in the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

(i dedicate this page to those who thinks like me > politic is faraway from me, so why bother?? haha)

what is actually goin on??? news A says this n news B says that.. which one is true?? everyone is having their own hidden agenda n propaganda.. n to know that, i've to first know what is politic as the ignorant are being manipulated.
 not trying to support or going against any party, but it's just my own reflection. been through some books, some historical stuffs n grabbed e basic ideas which i found very much interesting.


Political Science........
~ Many find politics as distasteful, inherently immoral or, at any rate, amoral. Misuse of power, influence peddling, n outright corruption r prominent features of politics. But we need not like e thg we study. Biologist may behold a disease-causing bacterium under a microscope. They do not "like" e bacterium but r interested in how it grows, how it does its damage, and how it may be eradicated. Neither do they get angry at e bacterium n smash e glass slide w a hammer. Biologist first understand e forces of nature n then work w 'em to improve humankind's existence. Political scientists try to do e same w politics.~


Personally, i too thought that i'm not going to involve myself into this political craps, but i was wrong. 


~ Politic is e study of "who gets what".
Suppose something utterly natural occurs, like a flood. It is e political system that decides whether n where to build dikes n whether n which of e flood victims to aid. The flood is natural, but its impact on society is controlled in large part by politics. 
How about science, bacteriologists squinting thro' microscopes? That is not political. But who funds e scientists' education n their research institutes? It could be private charity (e donors of which get tax breaks), but chances r e govt  plays a major role. 
When e U.S.  govt decided that AIDS research deserved top priority, funding for other programs was cut. Bacteria n virus may be natural, but studying them is often quite political. In this case, it pitted gays against women concerned with breast cancer. Who gets what: funding to find a cure for AIDS or for breast cancer? The choice is political.~


~ Some people dislike e concept of political power. It smacks of coercion, inequality, occasionally of brutality. Some speakers denounce "power politics", suggesting governance without power, a happy band of brothers n sisters regulating themselves on e basis of love n sharing. Communities formed on such a basis do not last; or if they do last it is only by transforming themselves into conventional structures of leaders n led, buttressed by obedience patterns that look suspiciously like nasty old power. Political power seems to be built into e human condition. But y do some ppl hold political power over others?~


~ Is power identical to politics? Some power-mad ppl (including more than a few politicians) see e two as e same, but this is an oversimplification. We wight see politics as a combination of goals or policies n e power necessary to achieve them. Power, in this view, is a prime ingredient of politics. It would be difficult to imagine a political system without political power. Even a religious figure who ruled on e basis of love would be exercising power over followers. It might be "nice power", but it would still be power. Power, then, is sorta enabling device to carry out or implement policies n decisions. You can have praiseworthy goals, but unless you have e power to implement them, they remain wishful thoughts.~


~ Other see e essence of politics as a struggle for power, a sorta gigantic game in which power is e goal. What, for example, r elections all about? The getting of power. There is a danger here, however. If power becomes e goal of politics, devoid of e purposes, it becomes cynical, brutal, n self-destructive.
"Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely".~

"If liberty and equality, as is thought by some are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in the government to the utmost." -Aristotle Politics

~ Aristotle said it first n perhaps best: "Man is by nature a political animal". What Aristotle meant is that humans live naturally in herds, like elephants or deer. Biologically, they need each other for sustenance n survival. It is also natural that they array themselves into ranks of leaders n led, like all herd animals. Taking a cue from Aristotle, a modern biological explanation would say that forming a political system n obeying its leader is innate human behavior, passed on to future generations with one's genes. Some thinkers argue that human politics shows e same "dominance hierarchies" that other mammals set up.
The advantage of e biological approach is its simplicity, but it raises a number of questions. If we grant that humankind is naturally political, how do we explain e instances when political groups fall apart n people disobey authority? Perhaps we could improve e theory by modifying it: Humans are imperfectly political animals. Most of e time ppl form groups n obey authority, but sometimes, under certain circumstances, they do not. This begs e q of which circumstances promote or undermine e formation of political groups.~

~ Each community need to agree on e best ways of choosing leaders n appointing responsible persons for running its affairs. Institutions n structures for this may vary from place to place. They must be developed in such a way as to ensure that e best n most capable persons are appointed to positions of responsibility instead of those who actively seek influence n power for their own ends.
Institutions must work on e principles of shuura n justice, unity n brotherhood. Cliques, factions n parties that promote division in e community r to b discouraged. In forming rules n procedures for community organisations n institutions, from e smallest committee to e most complex organs of state, there need to b checks n balances that control e arbitrary use of power, that ensure respect for e rule of law, n a free flow of information except in defined cases where security is at risk. There need to b provisions that ensure that rights of all r respected n that defined obligations r discharged.~

~ Human resources r arguably e most valuable in any community n society. Any community needs to be concerned to protect these resources, ensure their health, strength, dignity n general well-being, obligations n rights.
In the time of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), every able-bodied man was expected to be fit n ready to defend e interests of e community. There were no expensive standing armies as such. At e approach of any danger, the noble Prophet could call upon individuals with e required skills or mobilize e whole community to face threats of a more dire nature. It was a society where ppl were free to do anything that was lawful without any restrictions. There was no crippling bureaucracy, no stiffing legal restrictions. There was freedom to speak e truth, freedom to access to e head of e community, freedom to roam e earth in search of knowledge or livelihood. Ppl were not kept under surveillance, they were not faced w e anxiety of carrying an identity card wherever they went, their lives were not pried into, they were not suspected n hounded. They could meet n associate freely for mutual self-help n for peaceful purposes.
These r some of e ideals n practices that should be upheld n cherished in any Muslim community so that ppl r able to grow n develop naturally n support one another for e greater good.~

"There was never a victory greater than this victory, for when it was war the people did not meet, but when the truce came and people felt secure against one another, they met and indulged in conversation and discussion. And no man spoke of Islam to another without the latter espousing it, so that there embraced Islam, in those two years, (between the pact of Hudaibiya and its subsequent violation by Quraish) as many people as those who had embraced Islam before, or even more." -Ibn Khaldun

So, what is my conclusion n what's ur say?? DO THINK!! God grant us 'aql or mind to think, so let us consider this matter carefully n don't be a blind follower. n for those who are still blur, let's wait n watch, haha.. may Allah guide us in choosing e best option.

“Allah commands justice, the doing of good, and liberality to kith and kin, and He forbids all shameful deeds, and injustice and rebellion:He instructs you, that you may receive admonition” (Quran, 16:90)

[ books referred : Political Science (Roskin M.G., et al.), Islam the Natural Way of Life (AbdulWahid Hamid), Glimpses of Islamic History (Irfan Faqih) ]

in a confused phase of life...... @_@

bismillah-ar-rahman-ar-rahim
in the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

Holidays, provide us plenty of time to do lots of thgs.. vacation, cooking, hanging out, revising, bein online 24/7, tv, games, n many more.. but for me, it's quite different, it gave me a plenty of time to think, get confused n re-think. n that is not something easy to do as mentioned. some might say, thinking is a normal process, everyone thinks every time, so what's so special about it??
yea, that's very true. what's wrong with thinking, how's my thinking differ from others? i don't know, but i'm gonna say, i'm sure no one thinks like me..sorry2, i should say it in a different way, no one thinks like i do.

what am i actually thinking??? what makes me think?? who evokes me to think?? so what if i'm thinking??

i'm thinking of e past, present n future, thinking of my responsibilities, thinking of my weakness, thinking of my confusion, thinking of my sadness, thinking of my problems, thinking of my family, thinking of my life, thinking of my friends, thinking of my foes n thinking n thinking.. and sadly, the fruit is nothing but headache.

this phase of life is really confusing. some said e teen-time is the most critical phase of life. for me, alhamdulillah, my teen's life goes well w/out any hassle. but now, everything seems to go against me. so many people coming in n going out from my life.. some leave happiness while others sorrow.. some are confusing, some are brain-washing me, some are concern, some are giving hope, some are annoying, some are insisting, some are hoping, some are depending n some remain silent....

in one side of my li'l world, i'm trying to figure out how to improve my life while helping others n on e other side, these people are influencing my decisions n stands in life.

what should i do at this point of life??? whom should i trust??? can i just let the time to decide it??
i'm confused......................

"it's so like me"!!! sharing a recipe :D

a fren of mine asked me e othr day to share a recipe of an indian cuisine.. so, here am i.. r u ready??  hahaha..
~briyani
first masuk kn bawang, bunga cengkih, kayu manis dalam periuk (no oil k). then masuk kn ayam/daging. then, ginger+garlic (blended), tairu, serbuk kunyit n serbuk cili. add tomato. bagi dia, i mean meat tu masak. if daging tunggu for around 2-3hours for it to be cooked properly. if ayam may be 1/2hour, no? haha.. depends la.. pandai2 eh.. lepas dah agak2 dah masak tu, tambah ghee, tomato puree, briyani powder (either yg ready made or yg original one) bawang n tomato again, blended cashew with some milk powder (original recipe ni, we wont use santan :p )
last part, masuk kn basmathi rice n water accordingly. biar dia masak. last sekali masuk kn daun ketumbar n bawang goreng. then dah siap!!!!

sorry my dear fren, i'm not sure about all those measurement, kite main campak je n alter. try it, n hope u enjoy it!! kalau xjadi mintak maaf ye my dear fren.. n sorry gak if bahasa macam tak masuk akal, faham2 ye..hehe..peace!!!

sekadar gambar hiasan hehe..

am i a selfish or coward??

Bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim.

I'm someone, someone who is trying to change n i want to change myself towards goodness. bein hampered by a lot of obstacles n devil's whispers, i'm still trying hard to change, inshaAllah. 

while goin thro e process, i realize smthg, smthg tht is always bein taught n emphasized in Islam, 'promote goodness n prevent evil'...unfortunately, i became a weak servant of Allah, a very weak one that can't stop anyone from doin evil n afraid of asking ppl to join goodness. i'm very much weak that i can't even say a word protesting it. 

"Whenever one of you sees ugly behavior or something unpleasant, let him change it with his hand. If he does not have the strength to change it with his hand, let him change it with his tongue. If he is not strong enough to do this, let him reproach it in his heart. The last approach is the weakest form of faith" (Muslim,Iman 78; Abu Davud, Salat 232).

O Allah, i am a very weak servant of Yours. i'm hating n hating it truly but not doin much in changing it. I thought i was strong but i was very wrong ya Rabb. my iman is in its lowest form ya Allah. i'm helpless, i'm helpless...

Sometimes, i feel i am so selfish trying to change myself while leaving others behind with their misbehaviors. at that moment, i feel so sad n start to imagine what if one of my beloved was e one i left behind. na'uzubillah.. but, actually i'm a coward person who is scared to admonish someone. 

While reciting e Quran, a verse came across;

30. One Day We will ask Hell,

"Are you filled to the full?"

It will say,

"Are there anymore (to come)?"

(Surah Qaf)

If the capacity of the Reward is unlimited, 

so is the capacity of the punishment.

Sometimes people make jokes about heaven and hell due to their

non-serious attitude and say things like, “if the majority is going to be punished then how are they going to fit in?” Allah is telling us

here that it is so tremendously huge that it will keep on asking for

more, like a live monster.

my tears started to flow, what if one of those who i left behind face this?? or what if i myself face it?? na'uzubillah. 

i know, i know that only Allah has the Power to give guidance to whom HE wish. but, as HIS servant, i've to play my part too. i don't know where am i leading with my this attitude, questioning myself, am i a selfish or coward. wallahu 'alam....

i believe i can do it....

i've to decide somethg imprtnt in  my life today. i don't wanna fail again. seriously i need e strength to do it again.
i've seen too many thgs in these 1 week at home, whc drive me to put my best effort in it.
i've to start it all over again, i mean e interest, e willingness n e courage.
i want to do it, i want to make it n i want to earn it.
let's have a flash back, approx 4/12 ago, what happened (@_@)


what life without fun, learning to drive is under the gun !!!
PLEASE DON'T FORCE ME!!!!

I didn't love it from the beginning

owhhhhhh nooooooo.... huuuhhh, i don't wanna imagine those experiences again...... 
O Allah, please help me to face it again n to achieve e best result. inshaAllah...........

this moment

Bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim
In the name of The Lord, The Most Gracious and The Most Merciful.

(i dedicated this page of my diary to all members of family 13th legacy)

my dear friends, i jot down this moment, particularly for the coming 13 hours, where our next journey is still questionable.
anything can happen my dear friends, things can turn upside down, Allah can twist everything in a second n the most important thing is our imaan n trust towards the Almighty.
i'm gonna remember this moment my dear friends; this moment where each of us crying and praying to the Lord for the success of everyone; this moment where we need each other to comfort ourselves, this moment where willing to sacrifice for e achievement of unrelated "siblings"; this moment where if we are given a chance to distribute our marks evenly, we will do it; this moment where i feel like wanna cry loudly for my friends regardless of their culture and background; this moment where i feel like i love all of u so much that i don't wish any of us to be left behind; this moment where i think that we are a family; this moment and this only moment my dear friends, where i hope all 132 of you will be with me in the coming years.

my dear friends, what will be seen n measured by HIM is not how far our efforts are, but how strong our tawakkal, unshaken believe and our dependence towards HIM. but it  doesn't mean my friends that we don't need to put any effort. try our best my dear friends. but my dear friends, don't ever think that our efforts going to determine our success. but my dear friends, trust that our tawakkal is only towards HIM..that's what going to determine our success my dear friends.. no one owns e success, but it is Allah The Only One who owns it.. thus my dear friends, we truly seek to HIM and Only HIM for our this success. inshaAllah my dear friends.

EXPECTATIONS !!!

expected meningitis but did not expect it in an unexpected way. and now, expecting to achieve my previous expected aim and hoping that it won't turn to be an unexpected one.
expecting is not an easy job without an enough effort. anyway, the Power of Allah is beyond expectations.
Expectations will never come to help except when the expectations are based on a maximum effort + dhua + tawakkal. but still, again, Allah always has the Power to turn the expected things into an unexpected ending. it's then just up to us, how we're gonna face those unexpected events. expecting something and working towards it is satisfaction. but, we should always put in our mind that unexpected obstacles and unexpected means can always be there waiting for us in an unexpected ways. as a wise person said, expect for the worse. i think it was said because he/she had a history of experiencing an unexpected ending after having a high expectation on something.
if the unexpected thing is pleasant, alhamdulillah, but if it is not, then na'uzubillah. anyway, wallahu 'alam.

LoVe is RIDICULOUS!!! ">lovers, stop abusing those who are not in LoVe<"

felt so embarrassed, my GOD,  only YOU know how was my feeling at tht moment !!!! why me??? i don't mind being self-embarrassed, but seriously i hate when i felt embarrassed because of someone else doing, who has nothing to do w my life !!!
u see, this boy-girl love/affection/infatuation, is totally ridiculous n make foolish of themselves n other people as well. u guys wanna make foolish of urself, go ahead, none goin  to stop u, but why u chose me to be e foolish one as well???? can't u guys see how indecisive r u when u fall into ur "LoVeLaNd"??? u can't even make ur stand strong. when u wanted so much not to do that, stand strong w ur decision dude !!! what i'm wondering here, after ur so-called lover wants you to do that, u changed your mind right away (that's what called as a pure love i guess, but sorry, i can't appreciate it) n willing to do it regardless of what ws ur decision before.
okay2, still, this is none of my business, i don't give a damn how ur love story goes, whatevr it is, it's not gonna affect my life. BUT !!!!!! here is a BUT, WHY U GT ME INVOLVED INTO IT???? i was bein a free-bird, flying peacefully w/out ruining anyone's living. n out of sudden, u caught me n threw me into an embarrassment trap !!!

mashaALLAH, astaghfirullah...... at last, i became e clown !!! ya Allah, sharam hoga, sobhi jane ka surath dekhena na wo waqt mein.. mera naam joker ka kahani sarka hoga!!! jeena yaha, marna yaha, tere seeva, jaana kaha ;(  
noooooooo !!! i do have lots of other options n i'm not gonna stay in that trap forever.

i will love (in a halal way) someone one day, inshaAllah, though i will never ask a 3rd person to be the "sacrificing goat" just to achieve e wish of my love!!

reminders fr myself:
>don't be selfish. never cause others to feel awkward for ur own benefit.
>be yourself. don't change ur decision for unnecessary reason, or bcs others said so.
>finally, LET IT BE. don't worry too much as everyone surely has forgotten e moment u gt embarrassed bcs it not a big matter for 'em.

peace =)

Each soul has its Given Date, When it must leave its body's core, And meet with its Eternal Fate.

Al-fatihah.

after hearing to e that news, i was shocked. death is something natural. all living things will face it one day.
but still, some couldn't accept it at once. so was i when my sister called me informing that little boy who is just 15 years old passed away in an accident. Innalillah wa innaillahi raji'un. a jolly-type boy, very friendly n intelligent. his family hoping a bright n a successful  future for him. Allah knows better. his mother wasn't informed of e news yet. i can't imagine how would it be for a mother to hear e news, how her heart will be broken into pieces knowing her beloved one has left her. ya Allah, give her n his family full strength to accept it. my sister then told me, life will just be taken away like that when the time has arrived. i was stunned. started to think n think. tears flowed, how would be the last moment of his death, what would be he thinking at that point, may Allah shower blessings onto his soul and place him among the righteous people, amen.
after reciting yaasin n tahlil for almarhum, i went to my study-table. my countdown board shows 63 days to go for professional exam. a q crossed my mind, what if I die within that period?? thats it!! life ends in this temporary world!! anatomy won't come into help when Angel Izrael wants to take my soul.. nobody knows what will happen..but e q here is, am i ready to face e death?? i don't know.

TOO LATE FOR TEARS

Death knocked on a bedroom door.                  

"Who's there?" the sleeping one cried.

"I'm Angel Izrael, let me inside."

At once the man begin to shiver,
as one sweating in deadly fever.

He shouted to his wife,
"Don't let the Angel take my life."

"O Angel of Death,
I'm not ready yet.
My family on me depend,
give me a chance to go back and mend."

The Angel knocked again.

"O man, it's your soul that I require,
I come not with my own desire."

Bewildered, the man begin to cry:
"O Angel, I'm so afraid to die."

"Let me remain here as your slave,
don't send me to the grave."

"Let me in, O man," the Angel said
"Open the door, get up from your bed,
You can't stop me from coming in,
Angels can go through objects, thick and thin."

The man held a gun in his right hand,
ready to defy the Angel's stand.

"I'll point my gun towards your head,
You dare come in - I'll shoot you dead."

By now, the Angel was in the room,
Saying, "O man, prepare for your doom,
foolish man - Angels never die,
put down your gun and do not sigh.
Why are you afraid - Tell me O man -
to die according to Allah's plan?"

"O Angel, I bow my head in shame,
I had no time to remember Allah's name.
From dawn till dusk, I made my wealth,
not even caring my spiritual health.
Allah's command I never obeyed,
nor five times a day I ever prayed.
A Ramadan came and a Ramadan went,
But no time had I to repent.
The Hajj was already obligatory upon me,
but I would not part with my money.
All charities I did ignore,
taking usury more and more.
Sometimes I sipped my favorite wine,
with flirting women I sat to dine.

O Angel I appeal to you,
spare my life a year or two.
The Laws of Qur'an, I will obey,
I'll begin to Solat - very day.
My fast and Hajj i will complete,
and keep away from self-conceit.
I will refrain from usury
and give all my wealth to charity.
Wine and unlawful women, I will detest,
Allah's Oneness I will attest."

"We Angels do what Allah demands,
we cannot go against His commands.
Death is ordained for everyone -
father, mother, daughter and son.
I'm afraid, this moment is your last,
now be reminded of your past.
I do understand your fears
but it is now TOO LATE FOR TEARS

You lived in this world, two score
or more,
Your parents you did not obey,
hungry beggars, you turned away.
Your two ill-mannered, female offspring,
in nightclubs, for livelihood they sing.
Instead of making more Muslims,
you made your children non-Muslims.
You ignored the Azan,
nor did you recite the Holy Qur'an.
Breaking promises all your life,
backbitting friends and causing strife.
From hoarded goods, great profitss you made,
and poor workers - you underpaid.
Horses and cards were your leisure,
money-making was your pleasure.
You ate and ate and grew more fat,
with the very sick you never sat.
A little donation you never gave,
that could a little baby save.
You thought you're clever and strong,
but O man, you've done enough wrong.
Paradise for you? I cannot tell,
the disbeliever will dwell in hell.
There is no time for you to repent,
I'll take your soul for which I am sent"

WHAT IS WITH THIS BIRTHDAY THINGY???

priceless gifts!!

today, another calendar sheet of 7th march returns. as e clock struck 12 a.m., texts overflowed my inbox from my frens n colleagues. so many nice wishes touched my heart. in the morning during class, a colleague of mine spreading the news of my birthday. ya Allah, only i knew how ashamed was i tht time. but, won't blame her bcs i did it e same thg to her last week. n came another embarrassing point, when e class rep announced a guy's bday, all these girls "rebelliously yelled" ain haja!!! OMG!! i was like, owhhhh plssssss don't do that!!! hahahaha...
every1 started to wish me after that, it was actually awkward to hear/read e wishes.haha.weird na??? some come out w creative paper-works which were really nice.
n some (those colleagues who r quite close to me) were like feeling so guilty for not remembering my DOB, n was trying to cover it up by cheering me up w smthg else. each with their own style just to celebrate me. n some were not wishing me at all, those i guess who supposed to wish me, anyway, i don't bother it very much bcs may be they knew i don't prefer people wishing me (at least they should wish as a courtesy na, hehe, nvm).
whoaaww, wait, another one, e texts from e guys were unexpected!! brothers (some) from my "pbl family", they are too good. their wishes r sweet, haha... even my own brother didn't wish me, but my so-called pbl brothers did!! hahaha.. joke!!
uhmmmm, that was my day today. embarrassing plus happy for having these circle of frens. thank you so much my dear FRIENDS!!!!!! really appreciating u guys!!!

when i was a kid, i was very excited each time my birthday comes. waiting for people to wish, gifts, mother's special dish for me, father's money-gift etc.
but as time passes, n as i grew adult, i feel so embarrassed whenever my birthday comes. i have this feeling of self-inferiority.
y is it so?? i can see many unsolved things scattered in front of me. as age increasing, my maturity is growing, my problems are worsening, but sadly none of them are solved. what i've achieved for the past 21 years?? how about my good deeds, are they increasing as well or the other way round?? i'm scared ya Allah.. with this kinda of life, i don't see my birthday (a day which reminds me that life is too short to wait) as somethg exciting.
when was thinking abt it, i opened my email, n saw a msg. that msg put me into tears, i didn't expect that from someone with that much of Islamic  knowledge, damn! i can't stop crying thinking of it. i'm afraid if this thing affect my future life. my respect twrds tht person flew in e air just like tht!!!

i reflected myself, did i made any mistake tht made that person to ask such question twrds me?? what i've to do now?? i feel like i've done a lot of sins. ya Allah, forgive me for all my sins i've done intentionally or unintentionally.

so, i don't think birthday should be HAPPY for me, it should BEWARE instead!! so, i hope i can get BEWARE BIRTHDAY wishes in my coming years, hahahaha.. n inshaAllah, if i am still alive.


(p/s: special thanks to ; raheela, hidayah muttalib, nadiah sulaiman, shahira, sarah, zawani, izzati, kak ain, nadya sufiya, azreena, diana, kak bi, adilah, hanis rani, kak ji, husna, syuha, naurah, fida, mimah, syuha, asma, ja, kak nad, kak ja, shafinaz, hasna, syahrain, faridah, hidayati)